NO! NO! NO! Don’t go calling the support lines or the shrinks and sending them to ZwebbyVillle! I didn’t do it on purpose. It was a huge mistake, believe me! One that I hope to never repeat!

Let me try to explain how it happened. I apologize ahead of time for any visuals you get as I explain this… I can assure they won’t be pretty…

As most of you know, I live in ZwebbyVille by myself unless I have the boys staying with me. This morning I was alone in the apartment. It is a bachelors apartment for sure; complete with a total of about 8 pieces of furniture and enough plates and cups to feed the Town Council one time before having to do dishes.

I live like a bachelor. I’m no Oscar Madison but I’m not Felix Unger by any means either. The least favorite chore around here is laundry. I do the laundry when and only when I absolutely have to. I have a total of seven towels. I can tell how close I am to needing to do laundry by which towel I’m using. I stack them in order of condition. The first couple are the nice, new fluffy ones. Towards the middle of the stack they get a little worse. And the very last one should have been thrown out years ago but that would mean laundry one day sooner. I should just break down and buy some more, but… This last towel is in sad, sad shape. It has a few holes here and there and the edges are coming unraveled so there are strings still attached at both ends but not in the middle. Can you see this towel yet? The kind of towel you don’t actually dry off with as much as spread the water out enough to air dry.

OK… so I take a nice leisurely shower staying in till I ran out of hot water. My shower is a walk-in stall type with the sliding doors. The towel rack is just to the left as you exit the door of the shower. The first thing I always do is grab the towel off the rack and unfold it, while still in the shower stall. Then after drying my hair, I step out onto a shower mat to finish drying off. That’s where things started to go wrong. Looking back on it all, I remember the shower mat slipping under my foot as I climbed into the shower. I guess I didn’t think it actually moved that much but it had, in reality, slid all the way across the tile, coming to rest in front of the sink.

The next piece of this puzzle was put into place as I unfolded the towel. I didn’t so much unfold it as snapped it open. As I did this, one of the edges of the towel got wedged between the shower door and the top brace where the door slides back and forth. I didn’t realize anything was amiss until I went to step out of the shower.

What happened next was a combination of poor towel maintenance, slick flooring and overall bad luck. But it would have made any slapstick comedy show a huge hit.

Unbeknownst to me, not only was the towel wedged in the shower door, but my head was also now in between the towel and a few of the strings that had come unraveled along the edge. As I stepped out of the shower onto what I thought was the shower mat but was actually slick tile, my wet foot slid out from under me so fast it took my other leg with it. The only thing that prevented a very nasty landing on my rear end was the fact that the strings on the towel acted very similar to a noose around my neck with the other end wedged from above providing the gallows.

So there I hang…

At this point, I discovered a very little known physical fact, when the bathroom floor is wet and you are trying as hard as you possibly can to regain your footing before you pass out from lack of air, it is nearly impossible to regain your footing.

During this whole life-or-death struggle with my least favorite towel, all I could think about was what the person who found me would think… Here’s a naked man who wanted to kill himself this badly and the best he could come up with was hanging himself from his shower door… poor guy… I can see why he did it…

The moral of this story is; Being a lazy bachelor can kill you…