I live in Missouri. Born here, moved around a lot, then back to Missouri. It’s a neat state with average winters and decent summers. It is known as the Show-Me state. Apparently because people here don’t believe “nuthin till they see it for themself”. It must be true because I have always had that attitude.

But this is something I’m not sure I need to see… there is a law on the books in a little town in Mississippi named Natchez. It states;

“It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants.”

Remember the old Scholastic Rock commercials. I loved them!... “But today I am still just a bill…” They outlined all the steps necessary to turn an idea into a law. When you think about all those steps that it needs to go through to get an end result of “Don’t get our elephants drunk” I, personally, get a little disturbed by the fact that at some point in history, this was a problem big enough to enact law against it.

How many elephants can you have, first of all, in a town of 18,000 people? I don’t frequent too many pet stores, but I have never seen any that sell elephants, so where did they all come from? Maybe they had one of those situations where the circus left town one year and forgot to load up a couple of the big guys (they are easy to miss with all the excitement). And those two begat a couple who begat some more and eventually a whole… tribe??… pride??... herd… yes that’s it, was running through the Natchez streets at night breaking windows and spray painting gang symbols on the water tower. Some local yocal thought it would be funny to see how they acted when they were all liquored up and snuck some ‘shine into their Kool-aid one night.

The next thing you know… pandemonium! I can only imagine when one of’em gets two sheets to the wind how much ruckus they could cause. The trumpeting alone would be enough for me to get out my pen and write to the Town Alderman demanding that legislation be put into place to stop people from providing their booze to them!

But then again, why couldn’t they just buy it for themselves? I, personally, have a very hard time judging an elephant’s age. If I was a clerk at the local Gas & Go, and a couple of’em came in to buy some Bud, I may not have the nerve to card them. They are getting their tusks so early now-a-days! The African elephants are a little easier to judge, but those Indian elephants are next to impossible.

Perhaps it was just an act of forethought on the part of the city government that this law was put on the books. A good City Council would think of every possible scenario that would have adverse effects on the town. And a wild band of roving elephants over the .08 limit could certainly do some serious damage to the city in innumerable ways. It could have even been a Mayor at one point who had been rejected by a young pachyderm and was just holding a grudge…

I am very thankful to live in Missouri… our elephants are a little more civilized and very careful with their liquor intake…