To get from where I was in Kentucky back to ZwebbyVille I have two options. I call them the high road and the low road. The high road is longer but all interstate so I can make good time during the day because I don’t get stuck behind the slow-movers on the two lane portion of the low road. The low road is shorter and more scenic and is good to drive at night and I use less gas.

Since my departure from KY was delayed by over 6 hours due to work related issues, I chose to take the low road back home. The only real problem with the low road is it goes through a portion of Southeast Missouri, through the Mark Twain National Forest (because, of course, Mark Twain was so well known for his Forestry endeavors),  that I call “The Black Hole”. I live in this state so I can say this about my fellow Missourians that live in that area. They are not normal. How to describe them… Well, let’s just say they think the movie Deliverance was a well-filmed documentary about the Summer of ’72.

So here I am on the low road in the middle of the night smack dab in the middle of The Black Hole and I realize that I will never make it out of there without stopping for gas first. I have named it The Black Hole because civilization does not exist in this area.

Just as I was starting to get nervous that my little “Hey Stupid! You are almost out of gas” light had been on too long, I round a corner and there is a little gas station. There are no other cars there at all but the lights are on so I pull in. While pumping the gas, I survey this little store. I think its name was Ray’s Gas Station, Bait Shop & Artificial Limb Emporium or something like that. I am sure it was the only business establishment for many a mile. It looks like a converted steel barn and now I’m starting to think about Deliverance again.

I walk inside to pay for the gas and get some more sunflower seeds and I am greeted by a… lady? And an old man sitting at one of the three fast-food type booths on the far wall. The lady is about my Mom’s age and is wearing a Jeff Gordon Tee and some hip hugger jeans (Ladies, please make sure you actually look at yourselves in the mirror if you insist on wearing these types of jeans. If your belly hangs between your Tee and your hip huggers, you probably do not qualify to wear them…sorry, but that’s the rules). You all have seen the old man before. He was a thin old man with a neck like a turtle wearing a Dickies coat, a five day beard growth and a truckers ball cap (must have bought it at the Emporium because they lined the tops of every shelf) He was sitting sideways in the booth with his legs crossed and one elbow resting on the top knee holding a paper in both hands reading. A cigarette hung from the corner of his mouth while a thin line of smoke rolled off the inch long ash and curled around his hat bill.

Without even looking up from his Thrifty Nickel he says to me,in a slow Ozarks Hillbilly drawl, “You aint from these parts… are ya?” I immediately looked all around the store because I could swear I heard a banjo… DINGA DING DING DING DING DING DING DING… If I heard the guitar answer the banjo I was going to pee my pants and run… fast… very fast…

I answered, “No I’m not… Neither is the German Sheppard or the Highway Patrolman that are out in the car…” inside my head, but when it came out it was a weak, “Uh… no sir”

I quickly decided I had already eaten too many seeds and would just pay for the gas so I stepped up to the counter. The Black Holes answer to Julia Roberts then says to me, “Did you have the gas?” The smart-alec in me almost said, “No that must have been someone else” but then I heard the banjo again. I said yes and hurriedly handed her the money. She gave me my change and I did my best ‘Exit Stage Left’.

Just as I started to go out the door, the old man said, “HEY! Boy!” I gulped and slowly turned to face him. “Yes…” How I stuttered on a one word answer I’ll never know. “Be careful through the Forest, them deer are sumptin awful.” I replied with a weak, “Uh… Yes sir… Thanks” and was in my car two steps later.

As we pulled away from the Emporium, Gilbert asks, “Where’s the seeds?”…