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February 25 Victory lost...I looked him straight in the eye… It wasn’t a challenge; it was just letting him know I would stand my ground. He looked back at me with a look that told me this wasn’t going to be easy… I have to admit being a little confused. This wasn’t normal for him to be here. As much as it almost threw me off my game, I wouldn’t let him win… I wouldn’t back down… But the sneer on his face told me he felt the same… One would win… one would lose… I was determined to be the winner. Many times before he had beat me, many times before he had made me feel less than a man… On occasion, I would come out on top. But the victories were few and far between… My ego doesn’t allow too many losses… can’t take too many defeats… I didn’t want this to be another one… The second he took off, I floored it! Time and space seemed to stand still as he tried with all his might to get there before I did. I may have even said a little prayer that I would win… But, once again, I would fall to the physics of timing, speed and odds… If he had a middle finger I am sure he would be saluting me with it as I watched him in my rear view mirror, celebrating his victory as I zoomed past… Once again, I came out on the short end… Damn armadillos…
February 11 Noodles & Numbers...216… Not 217… not 213… 216… That’s how many noodles are in every regular sized can of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle soup. I watched “The History of Canned Foods” on the History Channel and learned this little nugget of information. Unfortunately, the way my brain works, this nugget is now forever lodged in a brain cell and I will never forget it… So now, every time I am feeling a little under the weather, and go to open a can I will think about the meeting where it was decided that 216 was the perfect number… I can see spreadsheets showing the cost effectiveness of 216 noodles over 225… I can hear the arguments of taste versus expense… For some reason, I imagine one executive getting into a heated debate with another one over the time it takes to cut 216 noodles while all the rest of the execs embarrassingly watch until the CEO finally tells the two of them to settle down… In my mind, the two execs never liked each other again after that… Board meetings seemed to always find the two on opposite sides of any issue and Christmas Parties were always very tense… I also think about the days prior to automation where some poor schmuck had to stand there and count out 216 noodles every time a can of soup went through the line… He probably had a fancy title and all, Noodle Quantity Assurance Inspector or something like that, but at the end of the day he went home knowing that in reality he was just a noodle counter… I bet there were days when he had a fight with his wife at breakfast and got to work with a bad attitude and put very little effort into his noodle math... one can would get 200 noodles and another may have 230… then his supervisor would notice and he’d get written up again for his noodle number apathy… One of these days I may just open a can and actually count the noodles. I can’t decide which way I would prefer it. More than 216 noodles would sort of make me feel like I pulled a fast one on Campbell’s and could enjoy the noodley goodness even more, but less noodles would mean I would get more soup which is, of course, the whole idea… Then again, perhaps… just maybe… I am using my noodle too much to think about their noodles…
January 08 Predictability...Hard to believe we are 8 days into the New Year and I haven’t posted a blog yet. So much for my “Post more often” resolution… Part of the problem is that I have yet to step foot into ZwebbyVille this year. I have been traveling, as usual, and hope to get back to Town next week or the week after. Since it’s a New Year though, I thought I might try my hand at doing some predictions for 2007. Everybody and their brother has made money from odd-ball predictions that may or may not ever come true so I figured I would jump on the bandwagon…. Predictions for 2007: At some point this year, someone will actually find a bandwagon. They will then jump onto it, becoming the first person to truly ‘jump onto the bandwagon’ in over 100 years… George Bush will, during a Press Conference, utter the phrase, “You can’t do the Hokey-Pokey and turn yourself around” which will set off a cry among the Republican Elite of making Doing the Hokey Pokey illegal. Ultimately though, the Party will be embarrassed when a famous Republican Senator is found to be a closet Hokey-Pokier and is forced to resign in Hokey Pokey disgrace. GW will then reverse his opinion about the Hokey Pokey… A Sasquatch or Bigfoot will actually be found. The discovery won’t be as incredible as some may think since the Bigfoot, whose name is Rupert, will be discovered while working the night shift at a convenience store just outside of Billings, MT. He will get his 15 minutes of fame though by being offered a co-starring role next to Sharon Stone in a movie entitled, “Basic Instinct 3” which will later go on to be a cult classic amongst animal lovers… The biggest scientific accomplishment of the year will happen during the summer when it is proven that Global Warming is actually being caused by the number of Anchor-People that are on all the TV Channels. A scientist will prove his findings late in the year by convincing the Government to put an embargo on TV News for a period of one week in which children end up walking to school uphill in a foot of snow both ways and the Polar Ice Cap stops melting. The unfortunate part of the experiment is that the majority of TV Channels opt to replace the News for that week with Rosanne re-runs which causes the National Average IQ to drop so drastically that people forget what the experiment was for to begin with… And, last but not least, my most incredible prediction is that the Cubs will win the World Series. Being such a long-time Cubbie fan, you would think I would be excited about this but the fact that they finally win is so overwhelming to the people of Chicago that they forget how to lead normal lives and Chicago is turned into a barren wasteland with people wandering around muttering, “Now what do we wish for next year?”… Ok… maybe not the best predictions but they probably have almost as much chance of coming true as the professional predictors do and at least you didn’t have to pay $1.99 a minute to hear them…
December 29 Ready-Made Resolutions...Since everyone is thinking about what to do for their New Year’s Resolution I thought I would throw out a few ideas for those of you who may be struggling… I will:
Following are Resolutions that you can make that are so extraordinary you could never keep them. You may pick one of these so that when you break it you can say, “Well it wasn’t realistic anyway so I don’t feel too bad”:
Ok… hope those are enough ideas for you. If I missed any, let me know! Happy New Year!
December 22 'Twas the Week Before...'Twas the week before Christmas, when all through the Town The Aldermen were nestled all snug in their beds, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The moon lit up the entire back-yard With a little old driver, so lively and quick, "Now, Gilbert! Those toys, they aren’t for you, As they all waved, the sleigh started to fly And then, with a giggle, All three started to talk It seems Gilbert was thirsty and needed a drink, Harry woke up and started to dress, They captured the intruder, our fearless crew, So they sprang to his sleigh, and he landed them here, Happy Christmas Mr. Mayor, and to all a good day!"
December 19 Cold Blooded...He was just standing there… doing his job… minding his own business… when the brutal attack occurred. Two youngsters, 18 years old, quietly snuck up on him and stabbed him with a screwdriver. And this wasn’t the first time, it was the third. "The question I have is, 'Why me?' And why Frosty?" Matt Williquette asked. "I had more (decorations) to put out there but with Frosty going down, I wasn't going to chance it." Williquette is the Colerain Township, Ohio homeowner whose 12 foot high inflatable Frosty the Snowman has now been vandalized three times. The difference the third time was that he captured the cold-blooded attack with a motion sensitive video camera set up in a tree in his yard allowing police to arrest one 18 year old and causing another to turn himself in. On Monday the Sheriffs Department released a statement saying only that “the investigation continues to snowball.” The motive for the attack remains unclear. Although it is well known that Frosty has recently been feuding with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer over bragging rights as to who is the most popular Christmas clay animated television show. This North Pole/South Pole feud has recently heated up when members of both gangs fought in a night club called Kringles. Several elves from either side were injured during this fight. Both Frosty and Rudolph were in attendance that night and, according to eyewitnesses, members of Frosty’s entourage started the fracas when Rudolph made a disparaging remark about Frosty’s girlfriend being too cold. Since then, the violence has escalated. Jack Frost, leader of the COMET Task Force (Christmas Organized Mob Elimination Team), a task force put together to end the Christmas figures gang wars, is asking that the public forward any information to the task force. “All we know right now,” Frost said in a press release, “is that the two 18 year olds were seen wearing gang symbols.” He was referring to the fake deer antlers and red noses that the two are seen wearing in the video. “Mr. Reindeer is not currently under investigation but he may be asked to come in to answer some questions.” Frost stated in the release. A friend of Frosty’s, who asked to remain anonymous, told this reporter, “We know exactly who was behind this! And if he thinks we’re gonna just stand back and let him play his little reindeer games, he is sadly mistaken!” While Santa Claus, undeniably the head of the Christmas Figure Family, has not yet publicly commented on the attack, Tiny Tim, Director of Public Relations for the North Pole Press Office released the following statement, “Santa is deeply disturbed by the recent turn of events between Mr. Snowman and Mr. Reindeer and, as soon as Mr. Snowman is able, Santa will be calling a meeting between the two to see if an agreement can be reached.” Frosty remains in critical condition in the Icy-U after being patched up with some masking tape but is expected to make a full recovery by Christmas.
December 08 Tag You're it...Hey there people! Gilbert here… Russ has been super busy and Jane tagged him the other day. He never does these tag things so I stole the keys to the blog when he wasn’t looking and did it myself. It’s been awhile since I have blogged for him and he will probably be mad at me so don’t mention it if you see him ok?
Ok… that’s me “By the Letters” Oh I think I hear him… gotta go…
December 06 Remote Memories...Well, for the third time this week (and it’s only Tuesday night), my travel plans were changed. But I have always believed that things happen for a reason… If I had been out of town I am unsure as to how the residents would have handled the latest crisis that hit ZwebbyVille late this evening… Dead batteries in the remote control… To judge by how Gilbert reacted, I am pretty sure that, if I were not here, the National Guard would have been called out and ZwebbyVille would have been under martial law. Isn’t it funny how we take the luxuries of life so much for granted? Remember the old days? When you actually had to get up and walk the 4.27 feet to the television and use the dial?? In my house, whoever was the youngest in the room at the time was the OCC (Official Channel Changer). Unfortunately, my younger brother wasn’t born until I was already 7 years old. So I was the most experienced OCC our house ever had. I still hold quite a few records! (Of course there are those purists who say it was only because I held the title for so long…) Being a very experienced OCC, I learned quite a few tricks along the way… The most important thing to learn was to sit on the floor in front of the coffee table where you could just kind of lean up on your knees from sitting Criss-Cross Applesauce (in those days, it was referred to as Indian-Style, but that's not PC anymore) and reach the dial. It was always so funny to watch my younger brother in his Apprentice OCC days walk all the way back to his place on the couch only to have to get back up again as soon as Eight is Enough was over… God, how I would laugh...Of course, like any other profession, there was a price to pay… I blame the fact that my eyesight is so bad on the fact that, when I was at the top of my game, you just didn’t think about how achieving those records would affect you later in life… Another thing to learn was to know the family viewing schedule by heart. To this day I can remember times and channels with an uncanny efficiency. This was crucial for an OCC to prevent unnecessary trips back and forth to the TV or, even worse, being blamed for missing the weekly episode of whatever show was the current family fav… The guy who invented the remote control totally wiped out a very important aspect of the American Family. I hope he enjoys his millions and can sleep with the knowledge that the youngest sibling all across America has lost a simple way to claim thier importance in the Family Unit. Not to mention the consternation and stress that is caused for over 800 Families a day all across America when they realize not one single person in the entire household is trained to deal with actually getting up and changing channels. Scary thought, huh...
November 20 Page from a diary...I hate this time of year! Everyone finally starts to pay attention to me and I really, really don’t care for it! You go about your business day to day and do your best to peck out a living and then starts the Holidays and all of the sudden people will not leave you alone. I don’t mind being invited to dinner by everyone but I really don’t understand why it’s so important that I show up! It’s like they want me to be the guest of honor or something… A good meal is as enjoyable for me as the next guy but why does everyone care so much that I am stuffed by the end of the day or how well I’m dressed? My family is really huge and at this time of year we always seem to lose track of an aunt here or an uncle there. Even a few of my cousins have never been heard from… I do find it a little strange that around the Holidays people get very secretive about exactly what goes on during the Holiday Dinner. I have talked to a few of the other Turkey’s around the yard and they say it happens to them as well… Is there something that people aren’t telling us? Happy Thanksgiving!! August 13 What a Pill...To everyone who has wondered and asked about the status of ZwebbyVille, I thought it was time to check in and let everyone know things are very good… just super busy! This is my busiest season and I really have missed reporting the goings-on around town or even talking about how some State Crew came into Town while I was gone and changed everything from how the Town looks to how we keep track of who has been visiting ZwebbyVille… Earlier today, I saw this story. I have talked a lot about silly studies that get done and you guys probably get sick of them, but I couldn’t pass this one up…
Here’s the story:
Reuters News Service BERLIN - A German scientist has been testing an "anti-stupidity" pill with encouraging results on mice and fruit flies, Bild newspaper reported Saturday. It said Hans-Hilger Ropers, director at Max-Planck-Institute for Molecular Genetics in Berlin, has tested a pill thwarting hyperactivity in certain brain nerve cells, helping stabilize short-term memory and improve attentiveness. "With mice and fruit flies we were able to eliminate the loss of short-term memory," Ropers, 62, is quoted saying in the German newspaper, which has dubbed it the "world's first anti-stupidity pill." I, for one, am very excited about this! There is nothing worse than trying to have an intelligent conversation with a fruit fly who has little or no short term memory! But this does explain why they continually buzz around my head once in a while. I have always wondered why they come right back after you swat at them. I just thought they were brave little buggers… Who knew it was a memory deficiency? And Mice? Un-attentive mice can be SO annoying! Perhaps with this new pill, they will be able to prove themselves as more productive members of our society. As soon as they finish the testing on the mice and fruit flies, I am hoping they can try out this stupid pill on a few other members of the animal kingdom… Wouldn’t it be awesome if Armadillos would be able to remember to look both ways before crossing the road?! Or if squirrels could remember which side of the road they were trying to get to when you get close to them in your car! If it works for animals then the next step, of course, is to try it out on people. I have been biting my tongue about the changes to our blogs but I would recommend that next they test this pill on the people at MSN who are responsible for telling us ahead of time that they are going to make such drastic changes. Or, better yet, on the ones who decided that this new system is better than the old one. Of course, if only I were a fruit fly… I wouldn’t be able to remember what ZwebbyVille used to look like… July 18 Cherie on Top...When you spend as much time on the road as I do, you witness lots of things. Some of them I share with you and some I don’t. This one is probably one I shouldn’t but I’m going to anyway…
I was innocently sitting in my motel room chatting with Manny’s Mommy about the fact that she is being featured for a SECOND time on Best of MSN. I commented to her that my traffic today was unbelievable and it was all from her site. I understood why when she told me she had over 110,000 hits on her blog today!!
Back to the story…
Normally I don’t stay in places where the door opens directly to the outside and now I know another reason why.
I hear a “tap tap tap” on the door. In all of my hotel stays I could probably count on both hands the number of times someone has knocked on my door. Usually it is the maid completely disregarding the Do Not Disturb sign that I always put on the door and never has it been at 10 PM. So I was a little leery to begin with.
When I open the door, I am greeted by a… um… rather large African American woman. I know a lot of people, myself included, who are overweight. I know some who are obese. I even know some who are extremely obese. This woman created a whole new category.
Then I noticed how she was dressed.
To put it as PG-13 as I can, let’s just say that one of the oldest professions in the world must be alive and well here in this little town in North Carolina. Either that or this woman had left her home in her underwear and it was one of those “Spinach in your teeth” things that you notice at the end of the work day and wonder why nobody told you about it.
She gets what I assume she thought was a sexy look on her face and says all soft and silky, “Hi I’m Cherie”
Trying as hard as I could not to giggle, I replied, “Hello Cherie… is there something I can help you with?”
I am sure the quizzical look on my face clued Cherie in to the fact that she had made an error. I noticed her glance at the door number real quick and say, “Is this 154?”
“No, I’m sorry it’s 254…”
For a moment I had a brief flash of psychic ability because even though her lips never moved I distinctly heard her say, “You mean I climbed those damned stairs for nothing?!”
Now both of us are standing there, me in my shorts and t-shirt, Cherie in her… well I was going to say Teddy but it was more like a Grizzly… trying to figure out a way to end this very awkward encounter.
I think I mumbled something like “Have a good night” and shut the door. Then I thought about what I had just said and I am still laughing… I don’t know who is in 154 but my car is parked right in front of that room. I may have to be late for work tomorrow because I would really like to see who it is…
Or maybe not…
June 27 Diary of a Superhero...I walked into the Justice League and I was in a bad mood…
Of course the first person I see is Superman sitting in his favorite chair with his feet up and smoking a big fat cigar. Everyone around here thinks he’s some sort of celebrity just because he’s had a couple of movies made about him. The slug has been chasing the same woman around for years and still hasn’t kissed her! Sure he may be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and all that but, then again, he wears tights and a friggin’ cape…. Mild-mannered... Yeah! Whatever...
The only one worse is Batman. His attitude is all because of his cool gadgets and his awesome car… Of course nobody’s ever heard of him chasing any women around. There’s a reason for that but I won’t mention it… Just ask his sidekick…
Then there is Aquaman… What a joke! “I can talk to Dolphins!” Yeah, like that is real important when a crime is being committed in Dallas or Chicago!
It just bothers me that the public doesn’t know about all of us ‘other’ Superheros! The powers-that-be here at the Justice League decided they needed some PR and picked those guys to be the highlighted Heros…
You know… that’s just my luck though…
Every morning I wake up and put on my Superhero uniform… go out and fight crime 16 hours a day… stop in at the Justice League for a drink or two… then fall asleep to late-night movies about the ‘popular’ ones…
Hey! I didn’t pick which super power I had! Superman may be the strongest and Aquaman may be able to ride a whale into the sunset and Batman… what the heck super power does he have anyway?!?!
For some reason God saw fit to give me the ability to detect spam emails from real ones… I know, I know… not real glamorous to be finding “I have to move money from Spain to America and I’ll pay you bazillions if you’ll help me” emails when Pooperman… er… I mean Superman is stopping a train that is about to hit Gabriella the Golden Retriever but some think it’s an important thing that I do.
Ever since the internet got so important to everyone I have been working overtime sending all those Viagra and Meet Local Singles emails to everyone’s Junk Mail Folder while the other guys get all the glory…
Being Junk-Mail Man is one of those jobs that people just take for granted. They just expect it to be done. Miss one day of work for a friends wedding or a personal day and everyone is calling the Justice League complaining… In the meantime everyone else is getting the glory and the Movie contracts…
Not me…
I mean just today I filtered over three million pieces of Junk Mail and all Spiderman did was wrap up a bad guy in 300 feet of webbing…
Sometimes life as a Superhero isn’t fair…
Oh great… Now Wonderwoman and Green Lantern are starting to tease me about my uniform again…
Maybe Spam-Ware Woman will show up and I can flirt a little…
Why do I even come here…
June 20 Role Models...I sometimes can tend to be pretty lazy…
The remote for the TV in my hotel room is lost and the front desk has no extras. This particular hotel is also having major difficulties with their internet connection so I have internet for about 5 minutes out of every 15.
Add the laziness to the no remote and no internet, then mix in just a dash of sleep due to the overnight drive and the final dish you end up with is Me, sitting in a motel room watching America’s Top Models… Yes… you heard me… America’s Top Models…
Please understand that I am just a country boy with no experience, knowledge or understanding of the world of Supermodels, but… OH MY GOD!!
The things these women go through for this show is almost disturbing! But the worst part of the whole show is the “judges” quote unquote… I am unsure what qualifies these people to judge these young women on who was best at the ‘challenges’ but the standards they hold them to are unreal!
“Being a Top Model is not just about being pretty and having strong cheekbones! It’s about walking into a room and ‘wowing’ the crowd” stated Tyra Banks, the host of the show.
Which is why, I guess, they made these poor girls walk in heels that were more like circus stilts, wear live cockroaches for a runway appearance, and fall from a 4 foot platform onto a mat while being photographed and later judged on the minute details of how they looked while falling. These things are real day-to-day occurrences in the life of a Supermodel I suppose.
So let me ask this…
Is there any TRUE purpose to this entire industry?? Or is it just a way for a bunch of weirdos and oddballs to make stupid money? I am not trying to be judgmental at all here, but most of the ‘experts’ on this show were people I would steer clear of if I was walking towards them in the mall.
Ok, maybe weirdos and oddballs are too strong of words for these people.
Maybe my uncultured, sheltered life has prevented me from understanding or meeting people who think it’s OK to even think of wearing a gigantic live cockroach on a chain attached to a dress that most people would laugh at while wearing more makeup than was used by the cast of Cats for three whole seasons and then being told you weren’t good enough simply because your ‘eyes looked too wide awake’ and your walk was ‘stompy and too strong’…
Yeah… maybe it’s me…
May 22 A Word Problem...Being Monday morning and all, I thought I would help you all get your brains engaged by submitting a Word Problem for you. Use the following word problem to answer the questions below. Be sure to show your work…
If an SUV, loaded down with enough cargo for a 5 week run and enough Red Bull for the whole trip, leaves ZwebbyVille at 2 PM Sunday with a Driver and the driver’s Imaginary Friend and heads to a city just north of Detroit at exactly 4 miles per hour over the speed limit so the Driver will not receive any more speeding tickets …
QUESTIONS:
Have a Great Monday!!
May 16 Give the Little Guy a Chance...I finished work a little early today and was searching the Internet for a blog-worthy topic. Unfortunately today was a somewhat slow day on the news front so I switched to Sports.
What I found caused me to stop and think about this world we live in. There are so many things that are good about technological advancements when it comes to medicine and communication and many other areas.
Sometimes, though, advancements are made without any regard to how much it will hurt the little guy…
Shown here in this picture is a recent march made by thousands of Foosball Men on our nation’s capitol. The march was organized by the League of American Foosball Fellows (LAFF) in response to the American Foosball League’s recent announcement concerning robotic players.
The announcement changed the rules to allow robotic players to be added to Foosball Teams rosters. Since Robotic players are purchased and require no long-term contracts, many team owners in the AFL are choosing to replace their players to increase team revenues.
Pete Plazticman, famous for his 15 years of playing third row for the Yellow Team at Eddies Bar & Grill on Summer Street, has taken over the Presidency of LAFF and made this statement, “As you can see from the picture of our march, life is very hard for Foosball Players. Try going through life with no arms and one great big wedge-shaped foot. Once your career is over in the AFL, your options are very limited. Everyone thinks just because we can do a backflip that we could do anything. What people do not realize is that a Foosball Player all by himself, without a rod and his other two teammates, is just a little plastic man…”
Team owner Albert Anderson, owner of Al’s Arcade, was interviewed about the reasons why he recently fired his whole team and replaced them with robotic players. “It was simply a business decision. Sure the money savings we will see from not having to pay these exorbitant salaries to the players is one factor. But there are many other ways the bots are better for a team owner too. No personality issues… no worrying about one guy on a line not liking the other two… no drug testing for resin injections… no free burgers and fries after the game every night… no wild parties where I have to go bail’em out… I am very pleased the AFL will allow the bots.”
I felt compelled to bring this story to your attention. While technology is a good thing in most cases, I think we should all say a little prayer for these Foosball Players who will suddenly find themselves out of work.
And the next time you see one laying around on the street, trying to get to his new job… give him a lift.
May 15 Flat-lined...Back in January, I revealed a fear I have about armadillos. If you haven’t read it you should click here to read Army Of Armadillos But today I would like to show how open-minded I can be.
Even though these little guys give me the creeps, I was saddened when a number of you emailed me a link to MSN’s ‘This Week In Pictures’ and I found this picture. So I got on the internet and searched till I found this little armadillo’s obituary. While I could not find the obituary I did find the following article in the Armadillo Advocate. I will post it here with their permission.
Armadillo Advocate May 9, 2006
A Federal lawsuit was filed today on behalf of the estate of a Columbus, GA armadillo. The lawsuit claims Alfonso Armadillo was brutally murdered by a Road Crew early last Tuesday morning. Further disgrace, claims Alfonso’s attorney, is evident by the fact that the road crew disfigured the body after the murder by painting the body with a white line.
The lawsuit also states that ‘irrefutable evidence’ of the incident will be presented. Rumors around the courthouse are that the entire episode was filmed by Alfonso’s wife, Alice, using her cell phone video camera.
Sources close to the road crew, who were unavailable for comment, said they are, “Saddened and remorseful about the accident in which Mr. Armadillo was killed.” This source also claims that the road crew witnessed Mr. & Mrs. Armadillo arguing before the incident.
“It is the Road Crews opinion that it is entirely possible that Alfonso deliberately ran out in front of them in an effort to get away from Alice” claims the Source, “We are in no way saying that he intentionally caused this, but it was very strange how he was yelling, ‘Peace and quiet!! I just need some Peace and Quiet!!’ as he ran out in front of the paint truck.”
A demonstration is planned for tomorrow afternoon by the ‘Armadillo’s are Americans Too’ special interest group. A leader of this group made a press statement earlier today, “This is just one more incident which proves that American Armadillo’s are being constantly discriminated against! The American Public would have been outraged had this happened to a squirrel or a raccoon! But, since it was an armadillo, nobody seems to care…”
Georgia State Law demands that a continuous white line be painted on every road. GA DOT officials only comment was, “If we stopped for every despondent road-side animal, we would never get all the roads painted. As it stands now, we will have to send out a touch-up guy to complete the line once his body is removed. We ought to charge his estate for that!”
While the Advocate is determined to provide an un-biased standpoint on any armadillo news-worthy event… we must say that we will be watching this story very closely and will bring any updates to your attention immediately.
May 14 Commercial Break...Due to the high costs of maintaining a small town like ZwebbyVille, we pause during this normal blog time to bring you the following advertisements.
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I apologize for the commercials everybody. But these people promised me you would all be rich and skinny and I would make tons of money from the residuals…
I considered quite a few people before choosing these two. I was going to go with an Online College. I sent them the money to be considered as an advertiser for them but they never sent me the necessary paperwork. Then I was going to go with the On-Line Dating People but they never showed. The only other one that was really in the running was Viagra, but they stiffed me on the up-front fee…
Now back to regularly scheduled blogging…
May 05 You can't eat just one...There is always an abundance of potato chips when the Boys are in town…
Potato chips have been around in America since 1853 when George Crum invented them for an unruly patron of the Moon Lake Lodge in Sarasota Springs, NY. The customer ordered some fried potatoes but kept sending them back because they were “too thick”. Crum, in a moment of rebellion, finally cut them as thin as possible and fried them up for this customer… and a multi-billion dollar industry was born.
Walk down the chip aisle (or crisps, if you are in Britain) of any grocery store and you will see hundreds of different styles and flavors of this long-standing fat drenched American snack.
Chips have become such a staple of society that there are just some meals that just demand a side of potato chips and nothing else will do.
Visit any potato field in America and ask one of the young potatoes what they would like to be when they grow up and over 84% will say they would like to be a potato chip. You would think that the common answer for these adolescent potatoes would be to end up as a French Fry but no…
The opportunity for young potatoes to become a chip has gotten much better with the invention of every kind of flavor from Ketchup to Salt and Pepper to Ranch and Sea Salt…
Of course the most determined little potatoes strive for complete perfection, hoping that Pringles will accept them into the Pringles Perfection Program. There are only a few who will ultimately make it into a Pringles can. It’s a little sad how these young potatoes parents will almost force these fledgling potatoes into workout programs and daily regimens designed to meet Pringles strict guidelines…
Doritos is quickly becoming a second choice for those who fail to meet the high standards of Pringles. And, lately, there are more foreign companies, like Walkers Crisps in Britain, who are rapidly recruiting the biggest and best shaped potatoes from local schools.
There are those potato parents who complain that the pressures their children feel to become a chip are becoming greater and greater and is causing a condition known as “Chip Complex”.
Mr. Potato, head of the Parents of Pre-Teen Potatoes Placement Plan, commented, “These Potato Tots now-a-days feel pressure to become chips from the moment they are born. Sure, they know that McDonalds or some other fast-food organization will accept them as a French Fry, but getting that acceptance letter from a Pringles or Doritos or even a Lay’s type company ensures their standing in the Potato Community.”
Just last year, an Idaho mother potato was brought up on charges of attempted-hash-browning of a girl who was competing for the last spot against her daughter for acceptance into Pringles top program. Idaho Potato Police Spokesperson Red Russet said, “The mother was so determined that her daughter get into the Pringles program that she was willing to pay someone to cut this little girls eyes out just to make it easier for her own daughter to get accepted.”
Senator Spud Soup recently wrote a bill that will be presented to Congress asking the government to step in and make the Chip companies broaden their selection criteria. “The pressure these young ones feel causes some of them to give up early and they just spend their whole teen years getting baked” Said Senator Soup in a recent interview, “These are the ones we need to look out for. Until the standards are lowered and they understand that getting mashed for Thanksgiving is just as important to the Potato Community as being a Sour Cream Pringle, our commitment to these kids is not complete.”
As a parent of a couple of young men, I feel for the peer pressure these Potatoes must be under. I would support any Potato Peer Pressure Awareness program whole heartedly.
But until then… I will happily vacuum up the crumbs of the Boys after-school snack, knowing that some Potato Parent somewhere is proud their child was accepted by Pringles… and knowing that the Boys were able to enjoy that success…
Music courtesy of Gman and his (as yet unopened BDay gift) iPod
One of ZwebbyVille's regular readers Christian Mom asked me to help her Blog Buddy Beast Mom get some votes since she is featured this week on Best Of MSN Spaces. I have to admit that I was not aware of her blog until now but I liked it when I spent some time on it today. Check it out and see if you agree...
April 29 Behind Closed Doors...I’ve had quite a few requests by comment and email for an update on Gilbert and his activities.
All in all, he has behaved himself pretty well on this three week run. I stopped talking about him a little because he was getting pretty conceited with all the attention.
But I have to tell you about my evening…
Gilbert had asked me this morning if it was ok to invite a few of his friends over tonight to show off our Fireplace Suite. Since he had been alone all week while I was at work and hadn’t started any fires (I gave him strict instructions that the fireplace was not a toy after he asked me if he could get a stick and roast his leftover Peeps) I figured he deserved a little fun and told him it would be fine to have a couple of friends come to visit.
Little did I know that Nashville has the most Imaginary Friends per capita than any other spot in the World. Who would have thought that the Country Music stars were the most susceptible group of people to have Imaginary Friends? Why would that be?!?!
I entered the Suite and I could smell something that made my stomach rumble. I noticed a huge pig turning on a makeshift spit in the fireplace while realizing the entire suite was completely packed. All the lights were off and they had set up one lamp over a table and about eight of them were sitting there playing Texas Hold’em Poker while all the rest looked on in anticipation.
Very quickly it became apparent that a huge pot was at stake between the IF’s for Randy Travis and Kenny Rogers. Both were poker-faced as Kenny’s started to count his blessings while sitting at the table and Randy’s IF was trying to decide whether to call the bet by muttering over and over, “On the other hand…”
Gilbert came running over to me and introduced me to Anne Murray’s IF who asked, “Could I have this Dance?” Then he mingled off and I didn’t see him till later when I stepped outside for some fresh air and saw John Anderson’s IF swingin’ and Eddie Rabbit’s IF looking up at the approaching thunderstorm, grinning, because he ‘Loves a Rainy Night’.
Some of the IF’s were easy to spot; Glen Campbell’s was dressed like a Rhinestone Cowboy and The Judds mother/daughter IF duo kept talking about some guy, the daughter kept saying “Mama, He’s crazy”.
The only big problem of the night was when all of Alabama’a IF’s started picking on Charlie Daniels IF… finally they all made a deal and settled their problem outside with some sort of contest that included something about a chicken in the breadpan pickin’ out dough or something like that.
The party started to break up when there was a little scuffle at the poker table when Willie Nelson’s IF couldn’t pay his poker tab and the others threw him out. Shortly after that Shania’s and Dolly’s got into a little spat about which one was sexier to their generation. Fortunately Charlie Rich’s IF told them they were both the most beautiful girl in the world and that ended it.
I know that there are many of you who didn’t recognize a lot of these names, but if you are ever going to be this close to Nashville with your Imaginary Friend, I recommend you do a little homework. Imaginary Friends have a pretty tight network…
And, as you know, when in Ro… I mean Nashville… do as the Country does… or else.
Just ask the Dixie Chicks…
April 27 Unleaded please...The Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture just released its latest edition… one of which I, personally, have been waiting for very anxiously.
Some people go to college and decide to become Doctors, some become Teachers, and some become Scientists. Those who decide to become Scientists have thousands of specialties to study.
Then, again, there are some who decide to pursue a lifetime of research and countless hours of experiments that benefit all of us in… well… less than Nobel Prize winning ways…
Marisela Granito of Simon Bolivar University in Caracas and his team reported their findings in the Journal that if only there were a way to remove two kinds of bacteria, Lactobacillus casei and Lactobacillus plantarum, from beans… then beans would be flatulence free. I am unsure how long it took Granito and his team of Scientists to come to this conclusion, but I am glad that in today’s world of AIDS, SARS and all the other infectious diseases, somebody had the foresight to spend the time and money to determine that beans cause flatulence and find a way to rid the world of this particular evil.
My job finds me working with a team of men totaling no less than eight and, at times, up to twenty different individuals. Any research having to do with a flatulence-free society is truly welcomed. But to say I find this study somewhat disturbing would be an understatement.
How were these experiments conducted? Was there a control group made up of non-bean-eating people put into one room and a room full of burrito connoisseurs in another and a hand-full of beanie-weinnie munchers in a third?
Can you imagine a meeting of the Scientists, which must have been held on a regular basis, being held in a serious manner? One of the reports could have went something like this, “The subject consumed exactly six ounces of beans laden with both forms of bacteria and in exactly 1 hour and 17 minutes started exhibiting signs that the bacteria was working.” “Are you saying, Dr. Passar, that flatulence occurred?” “Uh… Yes… it did… explosively.” “And what results were recorded?” “Well, the lab rats were noted to grimace, wave their little paws in front of their noses and make gagging sounds.”
You know that some joker in the back row had to bring in a whoopee-cushion to at least one meeting and he and his buddy giggled every time they heard the word ‘flatulence’. Even Scientists have their pranksters…
“Legumes, and particularly Phaseolus vulgaris (Black Beans), are an important source of nutrients, especially in developing countries," Granito's team wrote in the report. "In spite of being part of the staple diets of these populations, their consumption is limited by the flatulence they produce."
So, basically, Granito and his team determined that, even in Third World Countries, people think it is better to go hungry than to be gassy…
Maybe we should think about including a supply of Gas-X in our care packages…
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The robotic player, model number Foosball 4000G, shown here is the preferred model that most owners are going with. It is the most economical version for most team owners. Some of the wealthier teams are going with the 8000G which has further angered the players. “The 8000G should be outlawed,” claims Plazticman, “These players are standing less than four inches from these robots and there will be some serious injuries because of the velocity that these robots can kick a foosball.”
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